The mirror image

Do you ever catch an unexpected glimpse of yourself in a mirror or window, and find yourself looking away quickly, and then looking back just as quickly because you are actually startled?

I don't mean those moments we all spend in the morning or before leaving the house when we put our best angles forward for ourselves, pose our faces the way we'd like them to look in photographs, and have our tummies sucked-in for good measure and good self-esteem. Rather, I mean those rare glimpses when we truly see ourselves, perhaps as others see us...hair a mess, belly very obviously not sucked-in, and with random looks on our faces.

This has been happening a lot to me lately, as we've moved Harry's changing table into the bathroom as potty training prep (the idea being that all things related to diapers are also related to going on the potty), and I have to walk past the mirror several times per day to get to the changing table. And I keep seeing myself, or rather this...this ADULT. This adult with a CHILD!

Sometimes I anticipate it, and Harry and I make funny faces at each other, giggle, and proceed with the business at hand. But other times I catch a certain angle and I am struck by how different I look from the 'girl' I see in the mirror each morning.

Sometimes the face I catch in the mirror looks pale, with slightly baggy eyes, eyebrows that droop in a frownish way, and a mouth that is pursed in concentration...and when I see this reflection of (could it be?) me I can't help but think that Harry's mom is a bit of a downer. She should smile more and look more animated, and her face should be a reflection of the love she feels for him.

Sometimes the face I catch looks distracted, like the mind behind it is a million miles away, and I think Harry's mom should live more in the moment...she should be enjoying every minute of time she has with him because already it seems like it is going by too fast.

Sometimes the face I catch looks harried and I think Harry's mom needs a time out.

Sometimes the face I catch is laughing with twinkling eyes, and you can just make out the beginning of crow's feet at the corners of those eyes. There are grooved laugh lines by the rounded cheeks, and a deep dimple in the right cheek. Her hair is a crazy mess, her clothes are splotched with food from the meals of the day and dotted with dog hair, and the toddler in her arms is a giggling, squirming bundle of boy who shouts "Omma!!" into the mirror. When I catch this face I think Harry's mom is doing just fine. This is the face I like to catch because it is the face I imagined I would have someday, the one I focused on when I was hoping to be a mom. This is the face I strive to live up to...the mom who can live through food throwing, temper tantrums, spilled milk, broken furniture, dogs out of control, endless loads of laundry, and day after day of no naps, and still look happy. This mom seems fearless and in control, even without pulling herself together.

I'm working on seeing that reflection more, and those vacant, exhausted, frustrated, and droopy ones less. The thing about catching an unexpected glimpse of yourself in the mirror is it gives you a chance to see the unprepared, unmasked side of yourself. The question is, do you like what you see?