The Nap Wars

The funny thing about wanting, striving, and yearning to be a parent is that your brain doesn't always register the potential for unpleasantness that goes along with the job. You want a child, but your dreams of life with that child probably include strolls in the park on sunny days, playing ball in the yard, or even just the bubbly fun of the child's evening bath. When you dream of being a parent, even the idea of teaching your child to tie his/her shoes is grand. I'll admit I fell into this line of thinking...I knew there would be umpleasantness but I refused to allow myself to think about it very much.

Then you become a parent and suddenly your world goes into shock. Aside from the midnight bottle making, red-faced indignant screaming (from the child, or maybe from you if the day is particularly trying), the nasty diapers that make you gag, and the severe lack of sleep, at one time or another you're going to suffer from The Nap Wars. Oh yes, Veteran Parents, you know what I'm talking about.

For the past year my daily life as a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM) has revolved around The Nap. It is much like a vicious game of Stratego: Harry and I try to outmanipulate each other, each vying for the best positioning, the most power, and a favorable outcome for ourselves. For me it goes something like this:

If I let him have a morning nap, as he'd like to, he'll only sleep for maybe an hour. And if he hasn't had a bowel movement (BM) yet then I'm done, because he'll only sleep for ten minutes, during which he'll have a BM and then he'll wake up cranky and more tired.

If I try to postpone the nap until after his morning BM, Harry will hold it beyond what is a reasonable amount of time, and then he'll be extra cranky and tired. I'll finally give in and let him nap; he'll only sleep for ten minutes, during which he'll have that BM, and wake up cranky and even more tired.

I could try to run errands in the morning and hope for a nice, long afternoon nap, but Harry will fall asleep in the car when we hit the highway, sleep for ten minutes, and will have to be woken once we reach our first destination. He'll be cranky during our outing, and I'll ask myself why I didn't just let him have the stupid morning nap he seems to love.

If I make it through the errands without this happening, Harry will fall asleep on the way home. This is where it gets really tricky. Do I leave him in the car once we get home and let him get whatever sleep he can? Or do I try to manuever him into his bed, in hopes that once the transfer is made he'll take a lengthy nap?

Or maybe we'll skip the errands and the morning nap, as we have done today, and play outside in the sunshine and fresh air, in hopes that H will get extra super tired. But then when I put him down for a nap it takes him 1/2 hour to fall asleep, and he wakes up 1/2 hour later.
Yes, this is what my life has become, a never ending game of Stratego over The Nap. So when you see me out and about and I can only put three words together in a lame effort to form a sentence, you'll know it's because I am trying to figure out a new and improved method of getting my child to sleep. Because I NEED that break so that I can take a stroll on a sunny afternoon, or be cheerful about the bubbles that coat the bathroom tile each evening and later need to be sponged up.

And what are Harry's tactics?

The Surprise BM, which brings The Nap to a close every time.
The "I'm sound asleep in your arms until you dare to set me down" which wears us out and makes us a little crazy.
The hiccup cry, which tells us that not only is he enraged, but we've damaged a little part of his soul forever by making him take a nap.
The very strategic roll over and fall out of bed, followed by the hiccup cry.
The "I'll sit in here, as quiet as can be, and you'll think I'm asleep. In fact, you'll come in to wake me hours later, only to find I have not been sleeping, rather I have eaten the copyright page from my book, which will surface in my Surprise BM tomorrow".
And finally, there's the knocking coming from the inside of his room, and a very angry shout of "OUT!", which we try to ignore, but makes us laugh every time.

So, Prospective Parents, beware: the children are armed with manipulative powers, and incredible wit. They'll win very time, hands down.