The Journal

While en route to Korea, Mom and I started a journal.  We took turns writing about what we were thinking, what we had seen, etc.  We were doing very well until the day we met Hee Seon, and then it all fell apart.  I think it was just too hard to put into words what we were feeling at that time, so the journal ends abruptly mid-entry during my turn.  Up until that point, though, we recorded some neat stuff.  Here are some snippets from what I wrote, and I'll have to ask Mom if she minds if I share what she wrote.
April 7, 2007 6:10pm, EST
We've been in the air now for almost 5 hours...9 to go.  An interesting note is that we flew up over Canada and Alaska, rather than across the Atlantic.  We had thought we would be heading east.  Curious.  Our airplane is huge (a 747?)-each row has nine seats and I think there is a second level.  Mom and I both ate the Korean meal - bibimbap - for our lunch? dinner?  Not exactly sure what meal they classified it as.  At any rate it was very good - came with seaweed soup, a small, toothpaste-sized tube of spicy red pepper sauce, a small packet of sesame oil, a dish of pickles, a dish of pineapple and melon, a dish of rice, and the bibimbap bowl.  Yum!  They also offered coffee, tea, and wine (red or white).  The flight attendants are forever busy.  It seems like every time I so much as begin to think that I am thirsty, they magically appear with a tray full of water and juice.
I miss Brendan and Harry very much.  It was so very hard to say goodbye to them this morning.  While I know we are headed on an adventure of vast proportions, I also acutely feel the lack of my boys.  At Dulles a little Korean boy came into the restroom with his mom and practiced his jumping while she fixed her hair.  He looked a lot like my Harrison - full of spirit and energy and fun - so that at once I felt  both happy and longingly sad.  The counterpoint to my sadness at leaving them is the promise of what lies at the end of this flight: a chance to see the country of my children's birth; a baby girl, a daughter to bring home and love.When I think of seeing her in person for the first time I am amazed all over again a the path my life has taken and of all the gifts that have been sent my way.
April 8, 2007 4:00am EST
So, the flight to Korea is not short.  I cannot imagine how one would have made this journey 200, 300, 400 years ago...perhaps it took months, or more, by boat?  Today, when the world gets "smaller" every day, and the crossing of oceans takes mere hours, it still seems long, arduous, and significant.  The airplane is very, very warm.  I was well prepared (in true Girl Scout form) to be cold, but find myself ill-equipped for the heat. 
[Later] We are beginning our descent to Incheon Airport!  I just peeked around Mom and got my first glimpse of Korea!...In 24 hours from now I will have met Hee Seon/Emma.  Being able to come all of this way and to experience just a little of this country is an amazing honor.  To bring home a daughter at the end is...beyond words.
April 9, 2007  6:05am Korea
We awoke at 5:27am local time to the shrill of a car alarm, to which Mom remarked "Those aren't exactly birds chirping, are they?" [I am giving away my rural roots here, aren't I?] We were too excited to go back to sleep, or at least I was and so I haven't let Mom sleep either.
Last night's exhaustion was severe - the room felt as though it was moving and shifting beneath my feet, much the way it feels when you've been on a boat a long time and suddenly have solid ground beneath your feet. 
[And then I go on and on about our schedule for the day, but I won't rewrite it here because if you read my email to Brendan you already know what we did]
How do I feel?  I am nervous, excited, anxious, and happy.  And nervous.  The nerves stem from wanting to make a good impression on the foster mom, so she will understand that the baby she has loved an cared for for 7 months is going to a good, capable, loving home.  Also, being in a culture so different from our own I am nervous that I might do something to offend or embarrass without even knowing it.  Being jet-lagged adds to the mix.  And I so want Hee Seon to like me!  I know it isn't likely that she'll be handed to me on Wednesday full of smiles and good cheer, but I hope that she at the very least feels safe.  I now realize how removed we were from the trauma Harry must have withstood when he left Korea, and I wish we could have been the arms he was handed into by his foster mom, rather than the arms of a stranger he would learn to trust [during the plane ride] and then be left by 24 hours later.  No wonder he screamed on the drive home from JFK.
I am filled with hope - that Hee Seon's journey to our home is less traumatic than Harry's - that she'll have hair and a smile that makes the corners of my own mouth lift automatically - that she won't have completely left her baby stage - that the plane ride home won't be too torturous [another post about this particular brand of hell later] - that Harry loves his new sister - that as a new family of four we find our new normal quickly.  Three hours until we meet her!!!
My last entry:
April 10, 2007  8:39 am Korea
Meeting my baby girl was wonderful, amazing, happy, and very very hard.  Her foster mother was so sad...we all cried.  But Emma is as sweet as they come: happy, smiley, and a real cuddler.  She laughs and ducks her head when she thinks something is funny, and she is so very beautiful.
I have very many thoughts about our trip, so many things that I did not write down.  You may see a few password protected posts in the upcoming days...there are some things I want to write about but don;t necessarily want to share with the entire world.  I've been home four days now, and am only just beginning to really feel like myself again.  Bear with me as I work it all out!