So You Want To Have Kids

What are you, nuts?
Just kidding, of course.  One of the things that I found very valuable when we were waiting for our kids to come home was the advice I got from parents who had been there and done that.  And now, because my well of more creative topics feels a bit dry today, I will share with you my tricks of parenthood.  These are ideas that I came up with on my own, learned during my stint as a daycare provider, or garnered from knowledgeable people in my life.  Who knows, maybe one of them will be something you can use. Maybe not, but it's all I've got today.
1.  Kids are messy little creatures and cleaning them up, especially after meals, requires a good tool.  We prefer to use inexpensive washcloths, which we wet before use with warm water.  They are soft enough not to bother baby's delicate skin, and just rough enough to scrape off all of the nasty food that has dried on their faces during the meal.  We buy ours at Wal Mart or Target in packs of ten for between three and five dollars, and we keep perhaps thirty at a time.  I do one laundry load per week of washcloths in hot water and bleach, and they miraculously come very clean.  I even throw the colorful ones in the bleach...they come out looking a little tie-dyed, but they still function.  When they get particularly gross I recycle them to the rag pile for cleaning, and I try to buy new packs of them only on sale (10/$3.00).  We keep the clean ones in a tidy folded pile next to the sink, and the dirty ones go in a bucket under the sink.  For two children thirty per week seems to be about the right number. 
2.  Kids don't need toys.  No, no, don't laugh, because it is true.  The toy industry marketing machines would like you to believe that you need all manner of noise making, migraine inducing, flashing lights and colorful buttoned gizmos to keep your baby happy and help him learn, but none of it is true.  Do you think George Washington had LeapFrog?  Not so much.  My kids love to play with anything and everything EXCEPT their toys.  Empty soda bottles, cardboard boxes, and oatmeal containers are great fun when you're one or two.  So my advice is this: don't buy your kids toys, or at least don't buy them very many.  Don't run out and buy every accessory for the t.v. show they are into this week because their favorites will change by next week.  We buy our kids one toy for Christmas, and one toy for their birthday, which is plenty and we don't feel guilty about it at all. 
3.  Kids are messy little creatures, and cleaning up after them requires a good tool.  Might I recommend a dog?  Seriously.  You'll never have enough time to pick up all of those crumbs after every meal, and vacuuming every day is such a drag.  Get yourself a dog, bend your rules about your dog never eating table scraps a little, and bask in the glory of your free time after dinner.  You deserve it.
4.  If your kid is climbing onto your coffee table he is bored and looking for your attention.  You have two options: either give him the attention he seeks with an appropriate parent-centered activity, or put something of interest on the table for him to play with/look at/eat.  Cheerios on the table can keep our kids occupied for a good ten minutes.  Make sure you spread them out to encourage slower eating.  Building blocks, a wooden train set, board books, and children's musical instruments are all favorites at our house.  And just so you know, if your kid climbs onto my coffee table and jumps off of it, repeatedly, I reserve the right to put her in time out if you do not reprimand or redirect her on your own.  Just sayin'.
5.  Do not buy an exersaucer.  If you feel you need one you can get one used at a fraction of the cost, and you can clean the ickiness out of it before your precious darling ever touches it.  Babies quickly get tired of being trapped, and if you buy too many big, confining toys you will then have many big, ugly, plastic monsters to get rid of or store for the next baby.  Keep it simple: the less garish plastic, the better.
6.  Wear you baby.  Whether you are going to have a baby by birth, by adoption, or by fostering, wearing that baby will be hugely beneficial to both of you.    Wraps are great for small babies, mei tai carriers are wonderful from about six months and up, and backpacks are great for hiking/snowshoeing.  If you cannot afford to buy an ultra-fancy baby carrier, you can make one for under ten dollars...directions HERE.  Wearing your baby helps with bonding and attachment (great for the Dad who feels left out).  It soothes your baby to sleep, gets him used to the sound of your voice, keeps him safe and out of harm's way when you're housecleaning, cooking dinner, etc.  It is a simple way for your child to be a part of whatever you are doing, without you having to hold him.  Don't put your baby in the jail of an exersaucer or pack'n'play all day long.  Wear her, and reap the benefits.  Just make sure the carrier you are using is comfortable and distributes baby's weight evenly across your back...now is not the time to throw your back out.
7.  From a great book that I am reading, Buddha Never Raised Kids And Jesus Didn't Drive Carpool: Parenting With Soul, I have learned a few valuable lessons.  The first is to make and share with your spouse the Happy Mother/Father list.  Put on it the things you absolutely need to have each week to be sane in parenthood (i.e. 15 minutes alone every day, three solid meals, help with the laundry, etc.) and try your darnedest to help each other achieve the things on that list.  The second is to breathe.  Three breaths before you react when your kid has done something very naughty for the tenth time can be the difference between good parenting and regret.  Three breaths before you snap at your spouse can be the difference between a pleasant evening and not speaking to each other all night.  Parenting is not easy, and this book has lots of great ideas...these are just the two I like best.  Don't be afraid to not have all of the answers in parenthood.  Take books out of your local library and read when you have a few free minutes.  You can learn a lot, find inspiration, or even just be reassured that you're not alone in your woes. 
8.  Get one good milestones type of parenting guidebook, skim through it cover to cover before your baby is born/comes home, and then stick it on a shelf somewhere.  Every child is different, and you're better off talking to your pediatrician about questions you have.  Use the book as a reference only when needed, and don't obsess about what your child is doing and when.  Right before Harry turned two I was convinced that he was dreadfully behind in his speech/language development.  I was going to call early intervention the next week, when all of the sudden the words began to pour out of his mouth by the bucketful, and he has not stopped talking since.  He even talks in his sleep.  If you feel your child is seriously behind, talk to your pediatrician about your options and any free services/evaluations your county might provide.  Reading through the milestones book ahead of time will give you a working knowledge of what is normal for an age, but won't freak you out because your child isn't doing the things it says (s)he might be doing at that age.
9.  We learned this next one the hard way: make sure you do your own research before sending your child to any doctor or specialist.  We had heard mixed reviews about a urologist in our area, but because our pediatrician recommended him we went there.  We had three fabulous visits with his PA and loved the office staff, but when it came time for a consultation with the actual doctor things went horribly awry and I ended up firing him on the spot.  It was bad, and the worst part was that if we had done our research we could have avoided the whole thing.  So do your research, only work with people you trust, and if the time ever comes (and I truly hope it never does for anyone else) remember that the doctor works for YOU, and you can fire him/her at any time.  Do not let a doctor do anything to your child that makes you uncomfortable.  I had to physically put myself between Harry and the doctor in question to stop him from doing what he was about to do, and it is one of my proudest moments because I know I made the right decision.  I would be prouder still if I had avoided the situation in the first place.
10.  Sleep when the baby sleeps, even if the dishes are piled up, the laundry mountains are taller than you, and you haven't had a home-cooked meal in ten days.  Eat three meals a day, even if the baby is crying.  You need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your growing family; just like they say on airplanes during the pre-flight emergency tutorial: put the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then help your child.  This is the hardest advice to follow, and it is also the most important advice I ever received.  I work at it every day, and most days I fail.  My good days of the week are the ones where I put myself on the to-do list. 
11.  Work on your sense of silly.  We like to parade around the living room with tambourines, drums, and jingle bells.  We have foot races through the kitchen and living room.  We play hide and seek.  We dance like fools with the curtains open, and we sing silly songs even though the neighbors can hear us.  Kids grow up really, really, really fast; taking ten minutes to be silly every day will helps us stay connected as a family, and reminds us to be lighthearted even when they're driving us crazy.
12.  Get a very small diaper bag, one that a member of either sex will not be embarrassed to carry.  Our preferred bag is an Eddie Bauer.  It has enough room for bottles, wipes, diapers for each kid, and a few small necessities.  It is not larger than my head, nor larger than a purse I would carry.  Big diaper bags allow you to bring too much stuff, and no one likes their dinner guests to arrive with a set of luggage.  Figure out what you NEED to have, remember the above rule about toys, then pack your bag.  When you have finished packing it take out half of what you have packed and you're ready to go.  You can always keep a larger bag in the car with extra supplies/toys/clothes.

I guess that's all for now.  Feel free to add your advice in the comments section, as I am always open to good ideas.  I know I have more tricks and tips, but I can;t think of any right now.  Perhaps a part two will materialize in the next week or so.